• book: gregory maguire . wicked
• music: boyz II men . end of the road

i'm getting really homesick right now. thinking about the future always leads me to thoughts about the past. growing up in kingsville, attending st. bridget, hanging out at sta. lucia. i was on friendster checking up on people and i saw a picture of maan and heide inside their house. behind them i saw their living room and it looks just like the last time i saw it. i pretty much grew up in that house, along with them, so i started wondering about how my house was. i hope the current tenants haven't done anything to change it.

i've been thinking about mama luding's old house in christemar too, these last couple of days. about how my cousins and i used to have the run of that house. holidays, birthdays or just spending time with everyone. sleeping over and waking up early in the morning to have breakfast. God, i miss that house!

joes is playing old songs on his pc and listening to these songs that i grew up with is exacerbating the feelings. and the fact that the holidays are coming up doesn't help either.

it comes and goes, this. it hasn't happened in a while really, and not this bad since the first couple of years here in california. bad in that i actually start crying. i've had to get up from the bed a couple of times to go to the bathroom and let it go for a bit before trying to calm down again and be normal. its weird. maybe i'm pms-ing. yeah, thats it. or at least partly it.

i've touched on this idea multiple times on this blog. how i embrace the future, and yet it freaks me out, the uncertainty of it. i wonder what's meant to happen to me, if i'm meant to live out my life here in sunny southern california or to go back to the homeland. i think about it sometimes. having to move back out there. i don't mind on one hand because i know i'll be fine. i've got relatives and friends out there. and hello? i grew up there, i know how to get around and be able to survive. on the other, i've already made my life here. my family is here. my job is here. my life is here.

at the moment, i guess, since its subject to change. i might have to up and leave, you'll never know. effin' a, man! i'm tearing up again. gah!

i hope, that whatever happens, everything will be fine. i'm keeping my fingers crossed and thinking positively, even if the very idea of the unknown scares the bejeezus outta me.